Viewer's discretion is advised: for this entry, be prepared for a lot of rhetorical questions and open-ended thoughts. While going through the motions today, I've found myself more inquisitive than usual, and I suppose this is the cumulation of all of those thoughts. 

Have people always been so self-conscious that there is a necessity to micro-manage every part of their lives in order to function correctly? Do people organize their lives around what makes them happy or what makes them look better? Most importantly, my main question would have to be: Why? Why do we turn to the negativity in our lives in order to somehow overlook or compensate for all of the good that is present? There isn't a single thing to be found in sadness or pain. Take my word for it, I've looked. 

I do understand that there are days when it seems like problems run rampant on all of the other plans you've already previously made, were looking forward to, and invested so much time and energy into. Days like today where some things were impossible obstacles that couldn't be maneuvered around necessarily. If I live another 80 years to be nearly 100 years old, I hope that I have a couple thousand more days like this because I feel as if with each one they help me understand a little more about why I am who I am and why I act the way I do. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be done in order to remediate a situation or make a particular moment in time better, but inversely, it is not ideal to allow that given scenario to become worse. Alas, life is tough. But, instead of fixating on all of the things that went wrong, because I'm human and I'm expected to err,  let us focus on something that made today particularly extraordinary. 

The first thing that was achieved upon arriving at school today was being able to console someone that is very important to me. The fact that another person has enough respect and trust in me to openly allow my advices is remarkable, seeing as I have a very difficult time being able to do that very thing myself. It is not in my nature to let people inside because once you lend the things that you hold closest to you to another person, it is up to their discretion what they do with it. I don't want to donate a weapon to someone that would potentially hurt me or have anything but my best interest in mind, and so, the best way to avoid that is to let the audience be minimal to none. I figured that as I sat next to my friend outside the school hearing how hard some things are for her because she lacks the ambition or confidence, I could have sworn I was talking to myself. Almost as if I heard my voice projected from a recording from back in time. As cliché as it be, there is nothing greater than the serendipity that I am enough of a conscious thinker to not let moments like those pass me by, especially when there is so much to learn from them. I heard her until she was composed and tears were dried, and walked her to class as if she was giving her day a "do-over". She admitted she needed a chance to just rewind the day back a little bit to where she was able to think clearly, and I was positive that her words echoed in my brain until I realized how much I would've appreciated having someone to let me have a "do-over" when things go haywire. 

Also, the music is totally unrelated. I just really like Tom Petty, and I learned a good chunk of the tabs for this song's chorus and verses earlier. Next on my list before I'm finished with TP would be the exit solo. 

Fill in the Blanks.

What's the Use.

Heartbreaking.
I have tried my hardest to make room in my schedule to enable you and I to talk. No matter what time it is, I will stay awake waiting to hear how you are doing in school as a Freshman this year, how many runs you got in baseball, or who's bothering you with their nonsensical high school drama. I have tried so hard to be the best sister I possibly can from afar.
When you are frustrated with the fact I don't write letters, send packages, or call to say "hello" on the telephone, please remember that your father doesn't like me talking to you; and that maybe, I don't want to get you into trouble. Next time you yell at me, please remember that, although I have the ability to momentarily yield to your rants and angry words, I will not put up with it continually.
It's so hard to appease two parties that will refuse to see eye-to-eye or at least agree to disagree. I will always stand by my convictions because they define me, and I will not bend to meet the standards that someone else that dislikes me has. I can never change the opinions of your father, dear, nor will I try to. I apologize for every lie he has ever told to you, but when you are older I hope that you will have the clarity to understand and allow alternative perspectives to an issue that you have no recollection of because you were too little. I also apologize that I can't be there to make it easier for you, because I see how hard you work despite the circumstances you have undertaken; I hope you know that from approximately 1,456 miles away, I am proud of you. You're my sister, how can I be anything but proud of you? I may be disappointed that you are stubborn, but I pray that God lends you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. At least, not now.

Hooray for A's!

Let's just take a minute to pause and thank my brain for these wonderful grades. If I did not have them, I would be saddened because my parents would then see no point in me wanting to date or participate in extra-curricular activities. I know they're strict, but look on the bright side, I'm smart and disciplined enough to manage these kinds of grades at a school like mine--which is no cake walk. I may have stayed up way too late in some cases to get here, but I'm here and Q2 is coming up and the best I can hope for is to keep doing what I'm doing right now.

By the way, the GPA isn't weighted. I get to add on all of my brownie points for taking IB. Round to the nearest 10th and then add about 0.5 credit for each course taken.

Our Town. Our Life. Right?

So, after watching Irving High School's rendition of "Our Town", I am left here contemplating how blind of a person I am as I let my life pass me by-- rarely taking the time to pay attention to the minute details. Knowing very well that this is a detrimental way of living and knowing that deep inside of me I wish that I could slow down time for me to get things done especially when, simultaneously, I want time to speed up and make the unpleasant parts of life over as soon as possible.

This juxtaposition of want is exactly the indecisiveness that makes me human. I am never happy or content with what I am given. If it is cold outside, I want the Texas heat. If it is 100+ degrees, I want the relief of cooler breeze and coldness. Although weather is an example of homeostasis and is typically relevant to most people, I am comfortable with the fact that I am not the only person on this planet that feels as conflicted as I do at times.

The bliss of living in ignorance and blindness is a fallacy. False, a lie, untrue. The biggest contradiction of living at all is not taking it in with each experience--good or bad. You celebrate the joyous times and suffer with the misery, yet all of the things experienced in between are what make up the principle of individuals that are able to think for themselves without the fear of having a naïve mind. I analyse what I have come to know and I realize that the more I do know, the less I have to feel about learning to begin with. I love to learn and read new things, but I need to be able to engage myself differently so that the pattern by which I intake knowledge does not become tiresome or boring. The point I am trying my hardest to arrive to is that people need drive and determination to begin thinking, acting, living consciously. To take every single thing in and register it to reinforce your mind.

Think of your mind as a castle. It needs to stand tall and strong, with the utmost fortitude. Do not let your castles fall to ignorance, distraction, or blindness.

My Own.

This room is my haven from all those
Around that strive to cause the pain.
I shed one tear that stings my cheek.
But it is one of many,
That you’ll never see.

Right now I am the child and
I bear the anger on my skin.
Got to be strong, won’t give in just yet.
Though I have fear it looks me in the eye.
Defeat is not here tonight.

You would think the walls are screaming,
But the sounds eventually fade because
That world melts away as we quietly play.
STOP.

There it is: the stomps, slams, yells, curses,
And slaps are all too familiar.
Then she looks and asks, “Have I been bad?”
Blaming herself again, I respond, “Mommy’s just mad.”
Her head so low, she sheds that tear.
The same one I comfort to sleep,
Only wishing her the sweetest dreams.

The sun rises and gleams the pane
Into my eye and illuminates the panorama
Of this miserable life.

Then from deep inside I hear a growl.
I mistake my stomach for my soul,
And then go to the kitchen,
Wondering with what,
I will fill my bowl.

Not Much. Cottage cheese and some Oreos,
Is all our lonely pantry has to offer.
I walk around the glass shattered on this floor.
Wondering how the argument went the night before.

This house is too quiet, why?
Oh, he isn’t up yet.
Better find her so she doesn’t make a noise.
Then my feet leave the ground and I for once am feeling safe.

Smile so warm, arms so wide.
I can fit my heart inside those eyes.
That look over what imperfections we have.

Sitting on his right, with her on his left,
We watch the glass that shows us the problems out there,
That I believe are here too.

Then I let out, “Have we been bad?”
His calm words out, “No angel, Daddy’s just sad.”
He gets up, goes to the jar, takes a few coins.
And we take a walk down our way.

The change makes it’s fairwells as it falls into the vendor’s palm.
There’s a bench we take our seats upon, and my sneakers kiss the sidewalk,
My small hands brush the greasy strands of hair from my eyes.

Simple happiness.
It is what we live for, what we can afford.
All we intimately call our own, and not even Mommy…
Can throw that away.

With the Night

And then, with the night when all was still and followed the shadows cast by the flickering glow of the burning wick, there was a calm. There was a calm all around: the streets, the stars, the houses of the neighborhood, the animals, the girl, the boy. The calmness was reflected off of the content and serendipitous happiness that tends to occur within each person when their soul meets an acquaintance that it knows it can trust. Trust is imperative to all relationships, and even to life. Opening up to people is also what makes a person more approachable and friendlier, which then leads to a stronger connection. I'm working on both of those things--steadily, but with progress at every chance I can.

It is late, and I am tired. Good evening!